Sometimes it takes more courage to leave than to stay.

I discovered this at some point earlier in my service. I can count at least 2 times in the two years that I seriously considered leaving. There were many more not-so-serious times but those two times were daunting times in my life here. It was during those times when so many questions came to pass- What would I say to my community and my friends about leaving early? How ashamed would I feel? Could I hold my head up back at home when people knew I was home earlier than expected? Could I honestly tell people I served in the Peace Corps even if I didn't complete my service?

Sometimes I wonder if I would have made it if I had had the courage to face all of the above questions. I am glad I made it even if I basically shamed myself into pushing ahead, working through my problems. I try to remind myself of this when people quit or are thinking about quitting. PC is not for everyone and man, it is hard. Hard physically and emotionally. You face some tough stuff here.

Peace Corps is not what you expect and its hard to explain to people. This is probably why every chance we get together, us volunteers go into major bitch-about-El-Salvador sessions. I sometimes feel bad about it but then I think about those volunteers and if someone from the States comes and starts talking shit about Salvadorans, PCVs are the first people to defend them and their ways. I have concluded that this is because we consider Salvadorans our family in some ways. We are allowed to bitch about them because we know them and live among them but you can't because you don't really know them and their amazing qualities. They are not your family. Much like a sibling: I can talk shit about my sister when I am mad at her but don't you dare. It is an unspoken rule.

I find myself, unfortunately, invoking an Aggie saying when it comes to the Peace Corps: From the outside looking in you don't understand it, from the inside looking out you can't explain it.